3 years ago
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Greetings everyone!
It's the girl who's last entry was on November 2020, that just recently celebrated her most 'konon' writings in her life-long blog journey.
I hope I am not too late to say, but hello 2021 although right at this moment it feels like March 2020 all over again. How are you? Have you eaten well? Did you get enough sleep last night? How are you feeling?
I just watched Aida Azlin's YouTube video, titled So, how are you?. It pretty sums up about what I've experienced since my last entry here. Another set back? Yes, indeed it is. Yet this one time, it really hit me hard that I am unable to enjoy the things that I love to do the most.
I couldn't get myself to sit down and make a proper journal, or scrap off some ideas on my yearly tinta notebook. Hence, writing here was like a magnet with the same NN or SS pole. Even reading is like a sloth progress to me. I got tired so easily at night, even though I usually make half an hour before my bedtime at least to read a book. Even doing chores at home is a struggle to me, because I can feel that I may be physically at present but I know one thing - my heart and soul don't.
It wanders off somewhere maybe because of the sudden outburst of doing this and that. Like, I want everything to be fast paced. Once I started Kadai Bibliowander as a book dropship for Iman Shoppe, I have to juggles with three things at one time -
Situlah kau mau menulis, situlah kau mau mengajar, situlah kau beriya jadi penggerak toko buku maya.
That's what you get when you only write or read without applying what you've gain from it. Do check out my very the latest last of the lasts before this one to get the idea of what I mean by the consequences of getting fast paced @ *point 4, paragraph 3.
Am I okay? I don't know if I am, but I'm holding on with the thought that the Almighty won't leave me, and the He's always be there to guide me because indeed He's the Al-Latif, the Gracious. Source from Questions on Islam, it has two meanings:
Beautiful, isn't it. I also got the chance to know the subtle meaning of His name through Aida Azlin's #tuesdayloveletter from last year (go and subscribe if you want to receive her daily Tuesday letter that has helped A LOT in making peace with myself, hiks).
Overall, alhamdulillah I am fine *for a moment.
But for today, allow me to recall of what happened three years ago on this day.
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| Lee Hi's 'Breath' gif |
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It was a regular day, except for anak negeri bawah bayu like me. My flight back to KL was supposed to be tomorrow, marking the end of my first final semester break before the last one which is usually during the middle of the year. It was my last semester, and so - hello to my soon final year project and internship at that moment.
As someone who rarely at home for almost 9 years, my family bring me around to any place or try my favorite snacks before flying back to tomorrow. I was so contented by the attention (and love) they gave and I could feel that I am ready to kick off the semester with a brand new fighting spirit *acah konon.
I was blessed again that night, as my eldest cousin from my mom's side belanja makan-makan at Pizza Hut Damai sana. We enjoy ourselves with great food because the company's we had was also great. I even found my primary school friend that shared the same name as mine, except the 't' letter changed to 'r' letter in our names 😂 How small the world is it.My mom cried, and we couldn't hold ourselves back too. My nek aki was so proud to have me in this world, and I am still not yet trying my best to make him proud of me before his time. He's the one who likes to sing to me a gibberish unique Bajau lullaby, the one who bring me down to town looking after pekan Semporna once in a while. The one that mom said he's all excited the moment I was born that he even bought a pink stroller for me and took a picture together with my grandma by the lakeside view not far from Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Mosque. The one that the moment my mom told him I was in vain for having to choose between law and science after he advised me to not do it, rushed to message me and said he's sorry and that he will always support me in whatever study field I pursue.
Still puzzled, after dropping off my cousins at pak cik Apek's house we rushed back to our home and quickly grab and packed whatever clothes, necessities that should be brought along to our journey back at Semporna. It was 12.00 to 1.00 am in the morning, and it was a standard 8 hours drive from KK to Semporna. My dad unable to drive the night away because we feared he might get sick and tired from work. My mom drive us then. My uncles and aunties followed us too, some already ahead of us. When we were about to reached Kundasang, I saw the Akinabalu and the pitch dark sky from afar. Slowly, I drifted into a deep sleep with hope that this is just a dream.
It's daylight and we're finally arrived at Lahad Datu.
It's not a dream when we make a quick eating at a restaurant to fill our empty stomach, my mom was still sulking despite her tries to smile and enjoy the food. She was quite and look so pale that the waitress have to ask, 'Kenapa dengan kau kak?'.
"Ndada sudah bapa ku, arung...", we hugged her quickly and the waitress patted her back as she keep on saying to be strong and patience and express her condolences for our loss.
The whole restaurant was in silent to for a brief moment. Once we're done, we continue our journey to our hometown. The hometown that little me have lived in too when my grandparents and my mom's siblings took care of me while she and dad try to find a living at the city.
It was rather a long journey, with us trying to comfort my mom. We've also konvoi terus the moment we met our uncles and aunties on the road. If you to ever come to Semporna one day and want to know where's our Teratak Intan Saleha, it was at the back of a hotel that is in line with Kolej MARA's building. The third house from behind, and when we arrived - it was flooded with people.
Many, many, many, people.
From the unknown stranger up to the familiar faces. The very familiar ones that my mom and her siblings seek comfort to and a shoulder to cry. I don't remember much but I searched and gathered my cousins around while still in the midst of couldn't grasp the reality.
We quickly went into the house, to the room that placed him. Already covered with kain kaftan, except for his face. My knees went weak and the flashback of losing my great grandmother 6 years ago gushed in to the already blank memory. Each one of us gave him a last kiss, before they close it forever.
Knowing that most of his children and grandchildren was already there, all the Muslimins prepared for solat sunat jenazah. It's getting late to let arwah's body not yet buried as soon as possible. With Maghrib that is usually early at Semporna, I was advised to not join them as it's unsafe for us (maghrib kan waktu riadah para makhluk halus, so yeah).
Few of my uncles and his children are unable to bid last goodbye to arwah nek aki because they took a flight to get here (and the airport is at Tawau, another 1 hour drive to get there). The next day and like the other day, it was a trying times for us. I stayed for a week at kampung, and I'm glad to made that decision despite new semester has started that week.
First two days my mom was able to pull herself back bits by bits, but there were moments where she just break down and cried her out. This only happens when it's just my siblings and my mom together, like when we send off dad to the airport as he have to teach back at school. He came back before the seventh day of arwah nek aki left us.
I can relate a little bit with my mom. Being the eldest needs one to look strong and bold, so people can have strength and hope that they're in this together. To look up on someone as a pillar to hold the family, especially when arwah nek puan just lose the love of her life that time.
I couldn't lie myself for having constant grieving, crying. Do you wish to know because of what?
Two weeks before, me and my sister came back there too to care for my nek aki. But do you want to know the stupid, childish thing that any adult can think of? I went back to KK not a day after that because that night, the benda halus go all out kacau buat kehadiran dorang makin dirasai like whaaat just leave me alone.
But that night, I couldn't stand it. And so, it still hurts me the most to be reminded by it. It has caused me to be in episodes of grieving and mental break down. This happens on the last year of my study, something I want to prove to nek aki that for once in her lifetime - I actually made it, nek.
If any of you guys perasan (or maybe after this you can scroll down my old entries), I never wrote anything that year. Aside from being busy with internship and my final year project, I for one know myself despite anything I will always find my time to write it down here at least.
Thankfully with the support and prayers from my beloved ones, closed family and friends, and my dearest course-mates, asasi-mates, highschool-mates (ya semua yang doakan aku tempoh hari, terima kasih ya), alhamdulillah I managed to get through it up until I'm able to finished with my thesis writing.
Abdul Habi bin Mustapha was such a great man. He always remind his children to always give more to others, and we can see it was one of his many good deeds through the day he left us on malam Jumaat. He always try his best to be there for his children, and grandchildren. He always fight for what's right for his people, and family.
As for his grandchildren, and I believe it may indirectly meant to younger generations like us,
"Tuntutlah ilmu sehingga ke negara China sekali pun"
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