mencari jalan pulang

Kerap kali, kita merasakan seperti jalan hidup kita ini begitu berliku. Tidak akan pernah ada jalan mudah bagi kita, tidak akan pernah ada jalan sesusah mana pun yang kita fikirkan bila dugaan semakin memberat. The law of nature needs both easy and hard level in order to give proper balance in our life. Aku pernah baca satu petikan kata ni (mungkin dari buku atau dari mana perkongsian madah kata dari orang lain di media sosial). Ia berbunyi begini;

"Just when we thought that our course has turned out all easy and smooth-a-like, that's when the biggest of all trials came. Just when we thought our obstacles are very much likely causing us to give up all hopes and faith on life, that's when you really need to get your senses back that the end is nearing to this chapter. And on this chapter, it will stays as it is before pursuing on to the next chapter of our life."

Maybe yes, maybe no that I quoted this one as per conclusion to my reading of The Art of Letting God by Mizi Wahid. 

Tujuannya, agar kita boleh berbalik kepada diri kita sendiri. Jika kita fikir dunia dan kehidupan ini berpusing ibarat roda basikal, gemar aku ingatkan bahawa dalam apa pun jua bab-bab kehidupan ini ia akan kembali ke titik tengah di antara permulaan, pertengahan dan pengakhiran hidup.

Iaitu diri kita. 

Berapa ramai yang betul-betul-betul, beri diri sendiri peluang masa dan perasaan untuk memahami diri sendiri? We often too busy trying to understand and care for other people while we forget to the same to ourselves. It's a good thing that you care for others too, but don't be too harsh on yourself especially in terms of being kind to yourself while being kind to one another. 

Kindness is priceless yet the most expensive thing in our current situation. 

Apa pun yang terjadi, semua akan berbalik kepada diri kita. Sejauh mana pun kita sudah menapak dengan pengalaman yang serba-serbi sehingga menjadikan kau saudagar kehidupan kaya sekali pun, tapi kalau kau tidak berusaha untuk tidak menzalimi diri sendiri - 1-0.

You, 0. Others, 1.

What I'm trying to pin point out here is, to be honest as a very sensitive person, I used to hate myself. I thought I'm the one who's at wrong here. I often feel like a useless, never the good enough person to others. So, I try to learn and be more compassionate to others - whatever I do, it's for them. As long as the others happy, I think I'm all good. Thus, why at times when there's a little (or big) arguments going on, I try my very best to tuned down my ego. Well, it does helped but in fact its a very hard thing to do. We all have ego for all the good reasons, as long as you didn't use it blindly just for the purpose of being selfish and too arrogant to see the greener side of everything.

Cut story short, often times trying to please others has caused me to be an overthinking person. I think too much or worry too much of what's going to happen if i didn't fix this asap, or what ifs. The what ifs in life has indicated that we're trying to take control of everything in life - as if we are powerful enough to control everything. 

You do know we can't control everything above the divine power, right?

So, this is what I learned throughout my journey of making peace with my past, present and future (still in the making):

1) Admit if you did something wrong

Being wrong doesn't makes you any less than a human in this life. Sadly enough we are too afraid to admit our wrongdoings because of the fear we might get lonely in life (credit to my good friend, syafikah amk for this one). The trutth is, not everyone is perfect and thus, it's normal to make mistakes (but not until the point of us ruining ourselves when we can actually be wise enough to think further). 

So, rather than putting up our walls trying to be right and in other way defending our ego, it's okay to admit our faults by any means for you to improve day by day. In order for us to improve ourselves, try  to understand ourselves in a slowly but surely pace.

2) Be kind to yourself

Even when I'm writing this too, it's pretty hard to fully comprehend of what does it mean to be kind to yourself. 

But, I'll try. Thus, here's what I've learned on what is it means to be kind to yourself based on Mizi Wahid's The Art of Letting God book:

i. When things turned bad or doesn't align with what we hope, revert it to the almighty as everything in life happens for us, not against us.

ii. When you found yourself starting to overthink or feels like a failure, why not try to let go and surrender it to God's timing. 

iii. When you realised that your confidence and beliefs are being suppressed by others, it's time for you to give yourself a break and a time to learn in understanding yourself more better than before. With this, you could get to stand on your two feet back because reality check, 

it will always coming back to ourselves alone and not to others. 

Jadi kalau mahu berterusan jadi lalang ditiup angin atau kerbau dicucuk hidung, dipersilakan. Tapi, sudah tiba masanya untuk kita bangkit untuk diri kita agar kita dapat faham dengan diri sendiri seterusnya dapat juga kita hadapi dan lalui jalan kehidupan bersama orang lain.

If you are unable to understand yourself, then one shouldn't be expecting for others to understand you back. In the end, you are your own home person to the soul and body given by God to you. 

3) Slowly but surely 

No need to rush. Life is not a competition. Everyone has their own timing. As long as you have faith on yourself and on God's divine timing power, it will flow as it is without you realising it. 

But how do I know if it's really nearing me, my moment?

One thing I learned, is to embrace and give your best with what you're doing right now. Spend your time of your current situation wisely with something that can benefit yourself. For example, you wanted to be an illustrator but don't know where to start. How about you try to learn it step by step from basic while sharpening your skill. Therefore, it is important to keep on learning new things everyday because one ilmu is never enough if you really want to be somebody that could help yourself to get on with life.

Macam makin merapu pula my point ni. Maaf yer. Diharapkan para pembaca setia sampai perenggan ini ambil yang jernih dan buang yang keruh dari penulisan entri berbulan habuk saya ya. Terima kasih daun keladi :) 

Nevertheless, let's try our best to find our way back home in life.

Dan jalan pulang itu adalah diri sendiri. 

#KitaJagaKita