my truth

A snippet quote shared by kak Aida Azlin on her last two weeks Tuesday Love Letters.

Salamun'alaik everyone. Thank you for clicking the link to this post to read whatever in another due post made by me after months not being able to do so. 

How are you? I hope you're doing fine. And, if you don't, it's okay. 

How irony is it. I usually start my English year 1 class with, 'How are you?'. I taught them to give a thumbs-up if they're doing okay. Other than that, a reply, 'I am fine, thank you.' It's a basic thing I'm trying to let them know that it's not a crime to say you're okay or not. Because I will further ask them on why are you not feeling well. The replies are cute (at least for me, because you know kids don't tell lies). 'Saya belum makan lagi, cikgu', are the usual replies that I've got.

Sadly, to most people we rarely asked ourselves if we're okay. Like, 'Hi, Fatina. How are you?'. Often times, I found myself trembling or unable to see my eyes straight on the mirror. For some many reasons, it just made me hate myself even more. Sometimes, whenever I start to feel like I'm not okay without hesitate I quickly try to push all the negative-doubt-self building thoughts that start to make my chest felt heavy. We were taught to do that, to swallow whatever pain that has happened on you so that your positivity bright side won't go away, right? 

I was wrong. It caused me to have constant major overthinking. I try to write it down. It won't go away. I talked about it to nz, leli and those I entrusted with of my stories, worries and everything. I thought I'll be doing fine, but then the thought of 'you are just troubling them with your issues' suddenly popped up in your head, and it made yourself feel a whole lot worst and guilty for having to feel of wanting to share the things that bothering you at times.

May I ask what is it the things that keep on bothering you, dear-self?

I don't even know. It's varies from time to time, but it'll always have me ending up with anxiety. 

I've felt this before, few years back when I was just a kid. But I shoved it off with my rationality, trying to find solutions and reasons to invalidate what I was experiencing. For years, I'm good at it. I'm getting handy with it. I found my therapy. Writing. I write on my own diary, notebook, exercise book, storybook, memo pad, here and there and yes - my blog. With hopes, can I at least run away from it?

It's a whole lot of work to do - gambling with my thoughts and feelings. The soul and the mind. The present, past and future.

Even writing a story now ain't that easy because I'm trying to break myself free from the confusion between the fictional versus non-fictional aka real life experiences. Studying Malay literature for three and a half year has taught me one of the many things; the writer may not realized, but it's like them telling their own life stories through their artwork (book). Because you can see once you do a background check on them, it's almost the same as what they've written in it.'

Therefore, it keep on circling and circling around my head until I can't have it anymore.

I was unable to write anything on my journal, blog and tinta book. I try very hard, but it won't just come out of me. So, I proceed with reading. It has helped me few times. Getting immersed in the story or topic written has helped me to gained knowledge, better understanding in some issues in life etc. Most importantly, I escaped for a while from my thoughts. From fictional, non-fictional (but it's a fiction >>>> non-fiction for me, uhuks), motivational and inspirational books. 

However, it's a same case scenario with writing. 

Hello, you. I'm called reading-slump (Check out what is it about here).

I was devastated.  

And then, the episodes of two weeks insomnia. The climax of it? I cried so bad because I was tired, even though it has been two weeks away from the last time I drank a very strong coffee latte that I've made and got it from Woo! cafe. I instantly puasa coffee up until now. Even if there's slightly a tiny bits of coffee ingredients I will avoid it at all cost. Kuddos to my siblings and friends too for always stopping me before further getting a coffee for myself. 

Oh before I forgot, selamat menjalani ibadah puasa yang berbaki lagi 10 hari, teman-teman!

Suddenly, school was open earlier than expected. For the first time in my life, I experienced panic attack (or was it anxiety attack, something in between). Syukurlah satu seja kelas mengajar masa hari tu. I seek for a dear friend's help that I just recently met at bookstagram community, and I owe her big time for that because it has helped me to calm down myself when things start to feel overwhelming (yes you, littlepages_ ^ . ^).

Without further ado, with constant worries of not doing the two things that I love to do the most along side with flashbacks and imagining the worst case scenarios to happen. On 13th April, I decided to meet a doctor. 

The nurse quickly gave me waiting number for registration when I said I want to do DASS test. When it's my turn, the general asked me why I want to do it today, and how I've been feeling this lately. 'I feel indifferent,' I said. He nodded and straight away register my name and data on their system. It only charged me a RM1 fee at klinik kesihatan daerah.

Upon meeting the doctor and telling her why I came here today, she instantly gave me the DASS test form. Do not hesitate to answer the questions on a scale of 1 to 4, the paper said. Do not take a long time to think what has happened to you in recent two weeks, the doctor informed. Once I'm done, she calculated it and keep on making sure the total number result for each aspects of stress, anxiety and depressions are accurate.

Diagnosis: Anxiety.

Even after informing the people I'm close with about it, I'm still trying to brain what has just happened. Mom and dad, if you're reading this, please don't be sad on why I haven't tell you guys earlier. I was scared you might interpret it differently. It's a shocking, I know, to have a daughter that look all okay from the outside, but on the inside she's struggling. Yes, and I believe I'm not the only one having this. I've enough of it. It took me months of reading and gaining courage to finally take the big leap of faith and step in reaching out for help. I'm trying my best to take care of myself here. 

It's gonna be a long journey ahead for one to understand themselves bits by bits, while trying to make peace with the occurrences of past, present and future. I believe the Almighty has His own ways in helping me to heal. 

Please forgive me too, dear readers. For this too long close up post I've made, because I just want to let others know that they're not alone. I won't be saying this too if it wasn't for the warm support and prayers by many of you guys, you know who you are. 

Mental illness is real. Please check out on your loved ones if you hadn't. Be kind to one another, especially yourself. 

Before I end my post, how are you? 

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p.s.

The Prophet (SAW) said: 'There is no believing servant who supplicates for his brother in his absence where the Angels do not say: The same be for you too'.