thank you, 2022

📍somewhere at Tanjung Aru Beach

Greetings to my fellow readers, the olde and new ones. Pejam celik, pejam celik. We're almost coming to the end of this year, yet I still wrote so little here due to the sudden changes of life courses earlier this year. There are so, so, sooooo many things that has happened for this year. As I've recently foresee it as a way to better prepare myself into entering another years of life, my 2022 has been such a bittersweet journey full of surprising episodes of life. Therefore, I'm dedicating this post as a token of appreciation a.k.a. thank you to this year's life lessons for:

the serenity 

Alhamdulillah, on January, I tied the knot with the love of my life. I've frequent mentioned his name throughout my writings here, as I did in my prayers. And alhamdulillah for that, as this union has answered all of my lifelong prayers. Life as we all knew, expectedly or unexpected ones, are never dull with its own rollercoaster ride. But with having someone by your side here and then, it never felt more lively and courageously to face it, to be present at times. To many more love, laugh, ugly crying and widest smile upon being stronger for one another in this life, NZ. May He guides us to become a better person day by day, 'till the day we held each others hand in jannah. Aamiin.

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us become better too." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I am in no positions to say whatever marriage advice one may seeking, because believe it or not: each marriage is unique. There'll be never the same struggles or hardships that each couple have to face. Hati masing-masing, hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Hence, the happiness that was shown too come with varies of reason behind it. Moreover, we're both still a greenie in learning the way on how to live with each other differences - in values, habits, working style (read: chores 😂) and so on. So whenever you saw a socmed post of any of your friends who  just got married, please pray for Allah to make them at ease in whatever they're facing at the moment (including me too, hiks). 

the realism of mental health issues

Alhamdulillah on November, after one year long of going in and out of the local district clinic, I'm finally discharged from my anxiety disorder 😭. Even writing this came up pretty hard for me because, it wasn't a pretty journey too. A LOT of ugly crying, midnight doubting, unexplainable heart palpitations, and oh, the sudden suffocating moments - catching breath episodes just made me feel grateful and wanting to hug myself so warmly for not giving up on the first place. For putting my trust and faith in Allah to guide me along the way. I remember saying to myself, this is a way of an ikhtiar for me to learn more about myself. To slowly forgive whatever that has hurt me back then, to make peace with myself. To be aware that after all this time, I AM MATTER. I am good enough, more than good enough as my own person and own home. I've got flaws and unpretty scars, but that's just makes me even more beautiful in my own way. 

The validation that we're seeking, actually, has been inside us all this time. Our experiences and feelings, they're all valid. The first few sessions I've go through with my therapist, it was like breaking the strong water dam. From two to one hour or half an hour ugly sobbing sessions, alhamdulillah it decreases into less than fifteen minutes one. The key is to be conscious of the anxiousness I've felt, and learn how to deal with it. In another words, finding the coping mechanisms that will help you get through it. All in all, to be well aware and to admit your vulnerability as a human being. 

If you've feeling off lately, not able to properly focus in your work let it be at home or at your workplace, please, please, please, don't be afraid to break the social stigma. To break the taboo surrounding mental health issues because if you're not the one who's going to help yourself first, then who else can? I assure you, you will thank yourself for being brave enough. 

"'We'll fight this,' her mother said, her voice trembling. 'It might be a long battle, but let's fight it. Let's do it, Kokoro.'" - Mizuki Tsujimura, The Lonely Castle In The Mirror

p.s - it is more safe to consult a real life doctor first when doing DASS test. Only when you quit doing the online test then you can finally take that big leaps in finding ways to help yourself. 

'Healing is being able to cope with the discomfort without being consumed by it. Healing is the ability to coexist with pain, not the absence of it.' @igototherapy

the expect of the unexpectedness 

This year has become such the double of the unexpectedness for me tbh. One moment you think you got a control of everything, the next moment it'll slowly start slipping right through you. So many hard lessons that I've learned way more harder than before to the point where it just left me to put on a note to myself like; 'Come on, fatina. It's okay. Take it or leave it. There may be some righteousness in that lessons for you to slowly learn in improving yourself day by day. Give yourself a time to learn and just don't give up yet.' Expect the unexpectedness, only just seize the day a little bit extra than before. In another words, leave out all the rest within Allah's hand. 

*tbh, I'm at the point of speechless on how to elaborate this point because there's too much of a bittersweet lessons to ponder 😌 I can only say, ganbatte kudasai for 2023!!!! 

"I see life in the same terms (good, lucky or bad poker card game). We all get dealt cards. Some of us get better cards than the others. And while it's easy to get hung up on our cards, and feel we get screwed over, the real games lies in the choices we made with those cards, the risks we decide to take, and the consequences we choose to live with."  - Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A FXXX

As a conclusion to my entry (after eight drafts attempt, lol), may we become more humble, more stronger, more empathetic, more golden-hearted, more less ego-centric (only use it when it's needed for a better cause), more courageous to ourselves and others in 2023. All the best everyone! 

you can do this!