reflection of 1441

It has been two months since our arwah nek puan left us. It may sounds weird to some, but let me tell you this.

As much as I want to cry at the thoughts of her leaving us too soon, as much as I want to always be reminded of every memories that we shared together. I found myself to always shove it away from me, like I don't really want to let it gets in my way of trying to move forward in life. 

It leaves me in confusion too, because I want to cry but I couldn't. I want to grieve but it either makes me even more sad, or it won't come at all. I'm not saying that i choose to be numb, but the feeling just suddenly been blocked something. And that something is unexplainable by me because God knows what He's doing.

As for moving forward in life, alhamdulillah it has been up to almost three months of me working as an interim teacher. It's kinda tough because coming from a non-educational background requires me to catch up with everything. Even though many will see that my field of study eventually leads me to educational working environment, all i can say right now is I'm trying my best to keep up with everything. Knowing that pretty much this is the best that God can give me.

It's a both beautiful and chaotic experience, because teaching is really not an easy task. Salute to both my parents, aunties and my own late grandmother for pursuing this career path. It is not just any career like one Islamic thoughts may say. It's an amal jari'ah for us because we convey a new knowledge that are going to be useful to our own self and others, in this case students.

Kids are so unpredictable. 

So do life.

Thus, my purpose of suddenly showing up here is because of one.

One silent night, i decided to ask nz on how he cope with losing his arwah ayah. Didn't he miss him sometimes? If so, what will he do with the sudden gush of missing someone's not there physically with you anymore.

His reply leaves me in a very deep thinking (considering I'm an over thinker, it sucks sometime but i can't help it).

it's like this. the rindu makes you realise they're not in this existence anymore. they are at barzakh. then makes you realise they are at better care (*doa banyak-banyak for that). makes you feel can't wait to return to akhirat. which then makes you reflect all your doings must comply to Allah's directions. so you can be at the better place. muhasabah diri, to put it simply. tryna rindu them it leads you to think that ohh man i should be cautious on my actions. cuz it is recorded and will be testified. 

dia punya level deep tu buat aku terfikir memang ngam kot dia menjadi sebahagian besar dalam hidup diri ini, terlalu banyak pandangan yang merubah arah kaca mata hidup kita.

" Dalam hidup kita bertembung dengan orang yang menjadi penyebab kita beralih pandang "

                                                                                                                      -Awang Had Salleh-

That last quote was the one i got from an art exhibition at Balai Seni Lukis Visual Negara sana ibu kota negara suatu ketika dahulu.

What nz's saying is true. We only live once, and why spend most of our time over something that are irreversible called past when we can go forward living the best we can for ourselves. Losing someone you love is painful, but doing something about it from the after event is what matters the most. You really want to see them back, right? Then perform a du'a for them, and do good with yourself. Give kindness to others because give and you will receive, it's nature's order (healing sami yusuf's). Don't let our ego succumb our most beautiful part of being a human - love and empathy. we were too caught up with everything that we forgot the most crucial, essential thing to do in life is helping out one another and not the other way round. who knows what rocks that will be lifted off from our path by the divine power.

That's all from me today. Salam Maal Hijrah of 1442 too!